I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
