Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
