woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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