Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
