GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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