idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
