the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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