It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
