i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize