I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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