Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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