We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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