I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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