Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The best revenge is premature balding
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
