You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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