My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Houston, we have a blender
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
