Ambien. No doubt about it.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
