Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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