He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
