all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
