I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Randomize
