im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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