Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
