last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
