im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
