Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
