If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
