Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Randomize
