I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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