I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
