i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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