I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Randomize
