Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
