Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
What a dumb baby whore.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
