I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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