I could make wine with my vomit
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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