i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
