mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
