i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
