i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
