it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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