I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize