Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
