Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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