I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
