I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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