It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize