What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
