We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
and you fell through a lawn chair
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