I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
