she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
