Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
