the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
