I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
