Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize