Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
