You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize