My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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