I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
