the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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