Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
