she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize