At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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