This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
