I wish they made helmets for livers.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize